Loneliness and Love

These were written before and after I met a girl I once loved. To protect her anonymity I'll refer to her as O.

"Truth is madder than fiction" - Stormzy innit

"This loneliness won't leave me alone, it's nestled along the window pane of my heart, etched into the crest of a soul I have yet to meet. A soul I've loved before and am yet to love again. It disconnects me from my God as it calls into question my well of belief. It separates me from my Friends as I save my love like a madman collecting the falling rains of our Moon into my hat, just to poor it over my own head on sunnier days. It delays me from the blessing of divine timing as an inevitability makes an enemy out of that emerald Lady of the Nights. My loneliness hides behind the face of a wonderful dream whose reality has been thrown in the air by the calling winds, by ladies in red and bejeweled stellar robes. I have a hope I don't wish to let go of, but one that's distracted me from something much more important, my freedom.

I want to live to hope for another day, to dream on my own, I want to fly to tell you the truth. I'm tired of climbing the mountain time and time again just to start all over when the morning comes. I'm telling the truth Lord, my heart has yearned enough, and yet it continues to beckon that for Her, enough is never enough. But it has to be. Because she too must care for my heart's independent and soulful tune. Free me from your clasp Lady of the Moon, to which the Sky replied: "Free yourself, and fall into the arms of the Kind Master, for He is the All-Merciful, the most Magnificent Clockmaker."

"I sailed on a sea of stars and moons in my dreams last night. I watched as the planets and the constellations aligned while I bobbed on my ocean. And yet the part of my dream that seemed to intrude my waking moment was O's nightly appearance. I think she kissed my cheek and said 'ba moot feek'. This IS NOT OKAY. My mind spent the next hour or so replaying our conversations, wondering if I said anything that could have messed it up when she borrowed my vacuum, second-guessing whether my ego was at play in any form, interpretation, or dimension. This isn't healthy, doubt is the killer of man and the crippler of trusting belief, and right about now I kinda need both of those. My life is my own, I'm tired of the uncontrollable firing of neurons which leave my brain restless and fatigued, especially since I DON'T THINK SHE'S INTO ME, or maybe she is? AHH STOP!

When you chase a soul, that soul evades you, when you chase a dream, the dream falls out of grasp, but when you abandon yourself trustingly to the currents of the Universe and the substance of your uninhibited authentic self, things might just find their way to you. In Sha' Allah. I'm not getting to enjoy the ride, and that will only harbor resentment or blur the authenticity of my interest in her. I will not give my heart away recklessly, so might as well just be and let be. Maybe if I allow my authentic self to shine she'll meet me at the wavefront and feel comfortable shining herself."

"I'd rather genuine love fill the halls of my Heart like a passing beam coloring the marble red, than fill those chambers with ghosts of my wildest design just so I can feel the warmth circling my stomach for a little bit longer. Time moves on and I move forward. What's the point of asking for a teaspoon of love when we're swimming in an ocean full of it?

Faith is half patience and half gratitude. Patience for the plan of the masterful Artisan whose clock ticks towards equilibrium every time, whose network of lights guide us all towards what we need at the exact time we need it, and whose scales know all too well of those who thrust forward with the loving embrace of the ocean they swim in, whose hearts sing their kind tunes on the night air, and whose whispers have grown tired of praying for a kindred spirit. Gratitude for a world enveloped in a red hue of loving light connecting all those entangled hearts together, gratitude for a blue light that keeps me company on the walls of my apartment, for a God whose love is always a profound breath away, for a family who is alive, healthy and true to our bonds, for brothers and sisters who will always give my memories and my weary limbs a home to laugh and love in, for a world of adventures, of mistakes, of retributions, and of kindness that reminds me of my spirit's name, for a curious and wonderous mind that sees with love and in turn invites beauty to unveil herself, for ambitions and opportunities that lay along my one-track path, for the cold sheets which exchange warmth with me every night. Gratitude for freedom and for a Love I wouldn't trade for any girl, any accolade, menacing shadow, or obsessive fantasy. Patience and gratitude. That's faith."