Some incomplete reflections on Manhood

“ What is a man? A man is his heart. A lying cheating heart means a lying cheating man. A loving, merciful heart means a loving, merciful man. A living heart means a living man. A dead heart means a dead man. Regardless to man’s title, regardless to man’s wealth, rank or position; If the heart is not great, then He cannot be great. But if the Heart is great than Man remains great under all circumstances, rich or poor, large or small, so does the Heart that makes one large or small.” - Muhammad Ali

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Master Yoda

A fearful heart makes for a fearful man, a fearful man has an angry heart, and an angry heart makes for a hateful man. No man suffers more than the angry man with a vengeful heart. Not only does the angry man suffer, but often times it's the women in his life that must pay the price of his fears. There’s generational anger that I have to break, passed down from generation after generation of Arab loss, war and shame. I want to be present and feel safe in the places I love, I want those around me to feel safe and comfortable opening their hearts to me. Hearts only open to open hearts, and when I show up in the relationships I hold dearest to me with the blinking lights of a fearful heart, I signal their defenses, I make it seem like there is a reason to feel uncertain or disquieted by the friendship; worse yet I give substance to my shadows and take my beloveds to be conspirators. My insecurities of some deep seated unworthiness of Love is often picked up on by my people as a reflection of the fragility of our friendship rather than my undelt shit. A heart without love is a lost and cold heart, a heart so empty makes for a man afraid of being alive again.

This generational baton of the hardened, reserved, silent and macho archetype of a man is exhausting to uphold. We’ve come so far as a generation in removing gendered barriers of entry on material and ideological stuff. Gender differs from sex. While sex is the biological identifier attributed to male genitalia, gender is ideologically constructed. A man with a penis will be male irrespective of the time and place we find them in. Gender on the other hand, is our cultural and social conception of manhood; what is deemed manly in 3000 B.C. will differ from what is ‘manly’ in the 1970s or 2000s. The world changes, cultures grow, and different standards are upheld or conscripted onto men. 70 years ago men might have considered themselves mutants of the human race, born into a gender that isn’t allowed to feel like all animals do. 70 years ago , being an unfeeling, calculating machine, bred for war in a world where war was the currency of power, was considered strength. It made men docile to a system bent on instrumentalizing their bodies as collateral damage in the games of the political and economic elite. Nowadays we understand the repression of emotions to be detrimental to the health and functions of any man.

A man that represses how they feel is bound to burst in a frenzy when they hit a wall, bound to hurt themselves and the people around them because they lacked the courage to face their difficult emotions. While a baton of manhood has to be passed down between generations, a symbolic hallmark of the Love of Men, it must be up to every new generation, every individual man really, to define their masculinity as they see fit for themselves. I saw the men in my lineage physically and emotionally abuse the women I cared for the most; I sat with my beloved's tears, lent my ears and voice to their healing, and felt the cold steel on my temple for defending them. It’s up to every man to feel secure enough in their manhood to respect and love their sisters and mothers for the strong and courageous life-giving spirits that they are. To respect and love their brothers and fathers as well. A son's forgiveness is necessary to ensure the violence of the past will not be repeated. There are no villains or heroes in real life, everybody has both a capacity for good and harm, everybody has a story and some hurt. Whether that pain is used for compassion or revenge is up to us. A brother's honesty, mercy and council are crucial for keeping the men in our lives in check. It’s up to men to hold themselves and one another accountable to the respect and care of women and to the larger historical project of rediscovering the culture of boyhood along kinder values.

It’s not easy being a man. Especially an Arab man. We're expected to carry the burdens of our loved ones and our communities, squarely on our shoulders. Providers of a home, a family car, the education of our children, vacations, a wedding ring. A bunch of material shit that doesn't really ensure the wellbeing of our loved ones, at least not without emotional and spiritual support as well. We gotta be our partner's rock, stable, responsible, clear-minded, caring. We have to be funny, stay interesting and strong. Brave enough to talk to the cute girl at the bar, not too brave tho, that might come off cocky, or make her feel uncomfortable. We're expected to pursue careers that will help us survive this twisted material world, secure the basic necessities rather than pursue what we love. Be a 'man' but don't forget to be in touch with your feelings. But hey don't feel too much because that effeminizes you, no girl likes a sensitive man. No girl likes an insensitive one either. Ladies first through the door, wait but that's sexist. Pay for the bill, you're the man. Go talk to her, you're the man. You should apologize, you're the man. But hey, it's the 21st century, she can pay, court and apologize too! Except if she does, you're less of a man. You're the man, don't expect much, no shoulders for you to cry on, no support or care, no checkins nor company. You're hurting? Man up. It hurts? That's life. You're alone? That's how it's meant to be. A boy learns to be independent and self-sufficient, because he must be dependable. A man learns to depend on his people. Learn strength, but don't be violent. Be wise, but don't be paternalistic. Be funny, but take some things seriously, but not too many things, a man's charm is in his simplicity. Listen to your elders, but pave your own way.

Generational Anger. The soldier’s persistent urge to fight against the mundane when they come Home from War. I heard on an X-men reboot (although I'm pretty sure this is Nietzche) that 'in times of peace the warlike man will go to war with himself'. Before I turned 7 my family and I survived two wars. I was born in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire in 2000. From 2002 until 2005 when we escaped, by parents protected my Sister and I from the brutal civil war of Ivory Coast which lasted until 2007. We went to Lebanon where we would shortly have to leave our home behind to the July War of 2006. I lived the rest of life in relative privilege, but still had to contend with the violence of war that followed us home. We received our history from centuries of wars fought by good and great men, who came home to the burdens of a war well fought. To terror in their hearts, blood on their hands, and an incessant urge to fight, to survive. Fight even against the mundane we fail to settle in. What do you do with that urge to fight, or run, the urge to burn through the world when you’re so used to burning in the defense of life or even in the sullen name of conquest? What do you do with all that anger when you’re about to go extinct? You yell to the children of peace: “Run! Fight! Fear for your Life! While you still can!" But you know kids, that shit fell on deaf ears.

"شدلي حالك شوي" - Ibrahim Poulos

شحناء- is the intense hatred that poisons, blinds and distracts the Heart from its Creator, the One, Lord of All Worlds. It obscures the divine beauty around you. This hatred becomes an obsession that consumes and imprisons You. This type of hatred or grudge aims to retribute the wrong doings of the hated; but really hate only eats away at one's own Heart. It's a punishment we give to ourselves for someone else's actions towards us. Not only does it render the hated the master of our own emotions, but it also obstructs our unrestricted expression in the world, and our reception of Nature's expression within us.